Managing Dysfunctional Family Dynamics
As a millennial, I feel we are all too familiar with dysfunctional family dynamics. Most of us consider most of these behaviours to be normal. For a long time that was me - not knowing any different and persevering, nevertheless. Being in therapy myself and having conversations with friends has revealed that many of us had these experiences where we were told to:
forgive the other person and ignore their behaviour
pretend as if nothing happened or that everything was fine
told to cover up problems for others
flat out deny that a problem existed
keep secrets that need to be shared
not express your emotions
use aggression to get what you want
Sound familiar to you yet?
Well adulthood means that you now get to change the narrative. So when you are reflecting on how you are feeling now in motherhood while juggling a career, it can be important to ask yourself:
"When was the first time that I felt this way?" or "Who was the first person to make you feel this way?"
Typically this stems back to our childhood because we carry the weight of the years when we were most powerless. However, we don't need to stay in this mindset and we have to build the resilience to embrace what happened (or didn't happen) in our childhood. This can be the hardest thing to do, but it is possible so that you can start to break free from the dysfunctional family dynamics and patterns that you see yourself repeating.
Reasons we don't talk about family problems
You think that it reflects poorly on you - but you need to remember that a lot of things when you were a child were out of your control
Feelings of embarrassment or shame - but what you need to know is that shame lives and breathes in the shadows so the more we don't talk about it the worse it gets for us.
Trying to ignore the issues - this just postpones healing of unhealthy patterns. When you ignore them, the harmful behaviours continue because you and your family are unwilling to acknowledge the cycles that need to be recognised and broken.
Believing no one will understand - however, believe it or not, many have gone through similar issues with their families. Being vulnerable allows you to connect with people who align with you and who can relate to you.
Fearing judgment from others - it is important to practice feeling ok in knowing that some people won't understand and accepting this will make your life much easier. Of course you are going to be worried slightly about what other people think, but caring too much can undermine your ability to create positive and important change.
Watching the trauma unfold - when we don't have the insight to understand what we see, we tend to stay in unhealthy situations, and it can feel normal. To be in a position to better make change you need to develop a different viewpoint.
Remember that you cannot change people but changing you is enough.
Where to start so that you can break family cycles for your own kids?
When your reference point is dysfunctional, changing to a healthier pattern will often involve starting from scratch. When you have not done the work in this area you will get upset with your children for being unreasonable and needy, you will get upset with your own parents for not having been more patient with you.
Remember that you live in the present moment and that you can make a difference. You can revisit the past by you can't undo it. So spend most of your energy on making changes that will impact you in healthy ways.
Journal prompts to explore dysfunctional family dynamics:
What dysfunctional family patterns have you carried into adult relationships?
Who do you feel comfortable talking to about your upbringing and why are you comfortable with that person?
How would you like to show up differently for yourself and for your kids?
What steps do you need to take to be that person for yourself and for your kids?
If you would like further support around this or would like to share your journal answers, please email me at admin@carlieschofield.com or book a free call.